Somethings may never change

"What is one thing that you want to change in life?" I ask myself that all the time. I guess if there was really one thing that I would like to change is the absence of my biological father not being in my life. This has a great effect on me because I feel like it is my fault why he left. My mom says that it is not my fault. She says that he was not ready to be a father yet. I still think to this very day that it is my fault. Everyday I ask myself why he left. I always asked, 'Is it my fault that he left?' 'Am I the reason why he was not ready to be a father?'. Every since I was 7 years old, I always thought that I never  had a dad. Only my other 2 brothers. About 2 or 3 years ago, I finally had the guts to ask my mom why my real dad left. She sat me down and was basically saying that I was never the cause of him leaving me. She said that he loved me but I did not believe her because if he loved me, he would have never left me in the first place. He would have stuck with my mom, or if they did not work out, he could have at least came by to see me every once in a while. It hurts me to know that my dad really did not give a care about me. I do not even think he would care if I died or not. At times I would cry myself to sleep over him because I wanted to know why he left me and nobody had answers to why he did. It still hurts me very badly. Everyday I keep a smile on my face, or at least try to keep one, because I know that I can succeed in life with or without him. He does not determine my future. If he never a day in his life never cared about me, that is okay because he does no know what he is missing out on. I mean yeah he missed out on birthdays and special events, but hey that is life. If I should meet him one day, I would ask him why he left me for all of these years and not even come to hi or even say good bye. Why he chose his girl over his own daughter. His own flesh and blood. If he did came back to see me, I think it would have an effect on everybody. Both good and bad. Good because I would finally put that missing piece of the puzzle together and be happy again. Bad because I would have this anger towards him mainly because of his absence. The lord says "You cannot forgive somebody unless you forgive yourself". I forgave myself and I forgave him. It is up to him whether he wants to change for the good or the bad. Some people may never change.